Five Ways to Know You Need Some New Friends

You’ve been friends since middle and high school. Perhaps you met in college or the welfare line and you just click. Either way, your friendship has grown stale and passed its expiration date. The following are five ways to know you really need some new friends.

1. Your Friends Keep Asking to Borrow Money

You’re still waiting on the cash they borrowed three years ago, and here they come with their hands out to borrow more. There’s nothing wrong with helping a friend out once or twice but when they’ve borrowed so much money that you can claim them as dependents on your taxes, it’s time to kick your freeloading friends to the curb. If your name isn’t TD or Wells Fargo, I advise you find new friends who don’t mistake you for an ATM.

2. Just When You Think You’ve Heard All Their Life’s Problems, They Get New Ones

To them, you’re Dr. Phil, Oprah or a pastor. Every outing turns into a trip into their jacked-up choices. You know, the ones you advised them against but they did it anyway. Now you can’t go on with your life because they’re trying to trap you in the Twilight Zone that is their life. Drop them in front of a church, synagogue, mosque and run! They don’t need a friend. They need an exorcist and some divine intervention.

3. They Don’t Get the Concept of Boundaries 

They wear your new shoes before you can wear them. Every outfit you buy, they turn around and buy the same outfit. WTH! They send your mother flowers on Mother’s Day in February, making you look bad. They don’t know where their lives stop and yours begin. They think the two of you are one and what’s yours is theirs. It’s time to put some space between you and them. That way, you can go and they can grow and develop their own identity.

4. They Keep Dating All Your Exes

“You don’t mind if I go out with him, do you?” No. But all of your exes, though? To her you’re eHarmony. All her boyfriends are your exes. It’s time to end this friendship so she go out and meet her own man.

5. When They Breathe, They Lie

They lie as easily as they breathe. Face it. Lennay Kekau is more real than your friends. They lie about what they have, where they’re been and how they are. Time to let them go. You can’t have real relationships with fake friends. 

Five Don’ts for Single Ladies on Valentine’s Day

1. Don’t Call Your Ex…

…His hot new girlfriend is liable to answer his cell, and you’ll feel more lonely and thirsty. Awkward!

2.  Don’t call your parents…

…unless you want to hear the five million and one reasons why you’re still single, starting with you refusing to eat your vegetables at age three. 

3. Don’t send yourself flowers at work…

…you coworkers will know those flowers are from you. How? They’ve been reading your emails.

4. Don’t go out to dinner alone…

…you may think it’s a powerful demonstration of single liberation but it really just shines a bigger spotlight on your loneliness. Sit this one out at home. There’s power in French vanilla ice cream and any movie with Brad Pit or Bradley Cooper.

5. Don’t listen to love songs

…unless you want to set your heartbreak to music. The Taylor Swift look hasn’t worked for her and it won’t work for you either. 

Love Deferred

Loving someone is a journey into the unfamiliar and the unpredictable. You’re in this vehicle call love and compatibility; then you run into complexities. There are always complexities when you love someone. Because when people change, evolve, grow, complexities arise. Should you then pull over and check the direction of your relationship or should you just keep driving through the fog in hopes of hitting daylight? No one really knows for sure because no two individuals are the same; therefore no two relationships are the same.

Contrary to what we’re told as children and what we read in fairy-tales, there are no guarantees in love. Love promises no one anything. Love means what it says when it says it. But love often writes a check that the heart can’t consistently cash. What happens when the heart can no longer keep love’s promises? A wise man once said love is not a feeling. It’s a commitment. But what happens when the heart can no longer keep that commitment? Anyone who makes a vow he knows he doesn’t intend to keep is a deceiver. But one who makes a vow he commits to keep but the heart later changes, is simply human.

Don’t Live with Regret, Evict it

We’ve all done something that we wish we could take back; a day in our lives that weren’t our shiniest moment. Whenever we think about it, we stop living in our present and dwell on that mistake, that bad judgement, that failed accomplishment or relationship. Days, months, years later we’re still gripped by regrets, reliving a moment that should be behind us. If we ever want to live healthy and productive lives, we have to let go of regrets. We have to evict regret from your hearts.

Let’s face it. Regret is not a very good or useful roommate. If you’re living with regret, truth is you’re not really living at all. Regret is a whining, condemning companion always there to manipulate and remind you of who you were and not who you are. Regret wants to keep you locked in the prison of your past, depressed and helpless by what you can’t change. But you can’t let your past mistakes define your present or blur the hope of the future.

Someone asked Eleanor Roosevelt, “How did you accomplish so much with your life?” She said, “I never waste time with regrets.” Regret is a time and joy stealer that will leave you unproductive and stagnate. Regret and hope cannot coexist. You have to choose which you will reside with. Choose to live with hope.

Congrats! Five Things A Degree Can’t Give You

As children, we’re told to go to school so we can be somebody. So in a quest to be somebody through kindergarten, elementary, middle and high school, then college, we believe a piece of hard stock paper now makes us, “somebody.” Who that somebody is and is suppose to be, well, we really have no clue. But we think with it we’re entitled to a six figure salary, a Benz, a home and a hot spouse. A degree may provide access to opportunities, but it doesn’t make you whole and it guarantees you nothing. The following are five things a degree will never give you:

A Degree Doesn’t Give you Happiness

You may feel good about yourself now that you’re matter than your 80 year-old Aunt Berta who dropped out in the third grade, but a degree doesn’t give you happiness. It can provide you access to things that may make you smile, but if you want happiness, you’re on your own! At 80, Aunt Berta maybe more happy than you are because many years ago with her third grade education, she discovered that you want joy over happiness. Happiness is external, based on outside conditions. Joy is internal. Not given nor taken away by external conditions.

A Degree Doesn’t Make You Wise

Smart is knowing what something is. Wisdom is knowing what it’s not to be used for. Because you have a degree doesn’t make you wise. Wisdom is character based and God given. Wisdom is not just knowing the right thing to do. Wisdom is knowing the wrong thing is not an option. No class teaches you that. That’s a decision grown and learned in the heart. After all George Dubya graduated from Yale. ‘nuff said.

A Degree Doesn’t Give You Peace

I know the more you learned in school, the less you feel you need God. Schools have a way of trying feverishly to discredit faith in God, as if a degree is the god that makes all things possible. Schools teach you to live life from the outside and God reminds us to focus on the inside, our relationship with him. Getting degrees without a connection with God is like venturing to a new place with a working GPS but no location or direction in mind. Only faith in God gives us peace because when all hell starts to break loose (oh, a degree doesn’t stop hell from breaking loose), and positive thinking turns negative, you need faith in a loving, faithful and all knowing God to let you know it’s going to be okay.

A Degree Doesn’t Give You a Spouse

A degree doesn’t make you more physically attractive unless you consider a six figure student loan debt hot. If you want to be physically fit, you still have to eat right and burn some calories! Many people say they met their spouses in high school or college. That’s great but acquiring a degree doesn’t mean you’ll be married within three years. Stop thinking you’re going to meet Mr. Right at your first job which pays a whopping six figures. It’s delusional. There are a lot of lonely educated folks.

A Degree Doesn’t Make You Somebody

A degree says you have mastered a certain information, skill, or intellectual level. Never does a degree provide an identity. You were somebody from the day you were born. These years, their ups and downs are helping you to discover who you really are. Your identity should be rooted in the one who created you. No, not your parents. They’re nice but they’re limited. Your identity should be rooted in the one who created, shaped and wired you internally. You are who He says you are, and you can do what He says you can. The value of a degree may fluctuate, but God’s wisdom and plan never changes and his grace is always available. When we know we are who He says we are, we know we can achieve far greater things than what’s on a college degree.

SURVIVAL NOTE: The key to post graduate success is knowing real learning and growth never stops.

Five Things Folks Go On and On About that No One Gives Two Hot Pennies About

Words are precious but most people waste words, talking repeatedly about things no one wants to hear. The following are five things you may be going on and on about that is driving those around you internally crazy. If you’re not invited to a barbecue this summer, it’s probably because you can’t shut up about the following:

How Cute Your Baby Is

Your baby is a cutie but no one really cares quite like you do. They’re tired of the constant barrage of pictures and endless commentaries about your baby’s genius trait just because he can pass gas and smile. To everyone else, your baby is just a bald little bubble.

How Much You Hate Your Job

Will you just quit already! Your friends are really tired of hearing you complain about your boss, especially your friend who hasn’t been able to find full time work since George Dubya left office and took America’s disposal income with him. Shut up about your job woes. At least you’re getting paid to be miserable. Your friends have to listen to your sh*t without payment.

How Unhappy You Are With Your Boyfriend

Break up with him already so your friends don’t have to hear about how he’s the second coming of satan. You hate everything about him, but he consumes your thoughts and everyone else’s mental space. Please break up or shut up about him before your friends break up with you.

How Broke You Are

Your broke is me soliloquy is growing tired. Your broke cries are always followed by a request for a loan you know you aren’t going to repay and a shopping trip for new unnecessary and overpriced footwear. Stop crying broke when your car is new and your wine us old. Somewhere someone who’s really broke is praying to have your problems.

How Fat You’re Getting

Stop counting the calories in everyone else’s food, snacks and butter pecan ice cream. Just because you’re starving yourself doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t eat what we want. Your size ten friends are tire of hearing your skinny size two ass complain about how fat you’re getting. Have a McRib and shut up!

Five Reasons You’re Just Not Enjoying Parenting

Your Kid is No Longer An Angel

Your little angel face has turned into a puberty demon and you’re scratching your head. Your beloved little baby is no longer an angel. Really, was he ever really an angel? Angels don’t poop nonstop, cry all night or think 3am is playtime. Your kid is no angel, nor is he perfect. Face it. Imperfect parents have imperfect kids. You weren’t an angel and neither is your kid. 

You’re Trying to Parent Like Your Parents

Stop trying to do what your parents did with you. Yes, you may get some great tips from them, but it’s not 1985. You can’t raise 21st century kids with 19th century rules. Your kids now can videotape you with their cellphone as you reach over to slap ‘em. Plus you can now go to jail for not buying your 11 year-old an iPad. Your frustrations come from unmet expectations. You expect your kids to do the kitchen when you tell them to do the kitchen. They expect you to wait till they’ve finished updating their Facebook status.

You Haven’t Master How to Tune Out Your Kids

As kid number seven out of eight, I once asked my mom how she ever survived raising all of us and how she handled all the noise that accompanied us. She said something very profound. “I never heard the noise.” My mom was a master at tuning out whining, unwarranted complaints and unbloodied cries for attention. You can’t get anything done because whether age two to 22, whenever your kid whines, you go running like an eager French chambermaid. Let ‘em cry. Tears have never killed anyone. Plus crying builds strong lungs and vocal chords. One day when your child wins American Idol or The Voice, she’ll thank you.

You’ve Let Your Kids Believe They Have Rights

The problem with today’s kids is they’ve watched too many episodes of Law & Order and actually believe they have rights living in your home rent free. They do have rights, the rights you give ‘em. Just tell ‘em: You have the right to not live here. Anything you say that’s smart ass will be used against you when it’s time to enjoy dinner, electricity or clean water. You have a right to an attorney who will come with new parents and a foster home. If you can’t afford an attorney, then shut the heck up.

You’re Spending Way Too Much Time With Your Kids

Face it. Your children aren’t the problem. You are. You spend way too much time with them and annoying you is their way of saying, “Get a life!” It’s time you listen to them. So when they want a hot home cooked meal, landry washed, food bought or tears dried, tell em you went out and got a life, and you’ll be more than happy to help them when you’re dead.

Five Reasons You’re Unhappy

We all have bad days, days where nothing goes right and days when those we love just do us wrong. But if you or someone you know suffers from chronic unhappiness, don’t be so quick to reach for that anti-depressant. Many of life’s problems aren’t a medical condition. So before you try to find happiness in a prescription, check out the following reasons you may be unhappy.

You’re Being Someone You’re Not

Nothing kills your soul faster than being an imitation. While you’re pretending to be someone else, your real self is dying. Your sadness, unhappiness is an outward symptom of your inner struggle. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. Find and work on the real you. You’ll be amazed how happy the real you will be to see you.

You’re Comparing Yourself to Others

Face it. When you compare yourself to others, you will always come up short because the comparison never ends. There will always be someone more rich, more tall, more smart even more beautiful. As long as you spend your time chasing comparisons, you will never stop to see the real gem in you. Plus comparing yourself to others breeds a rat race that you will never win. 

You’re trying to Find Happiness in Stuff

If money bought happiness, we’d all be robbing banks. Stop looking to feel good about yourself based on your material possessions. Despite popular beliefs, more money will not make you happy. More money will just shine a brighter light on what’s making you unhappy. Money is a tool not a god. Use money as a tool to get the things you need to function in life. Don’t make money your life. 

You’re Surrounding Yourself With the Wrong People

Your so-call friends may be bringing you down. You’re unhappy because you’ve surrounded yourself with takers not givers. They add no value to your life. Their energy is draining you. Time with them leaves you emotionally exhausted and undervalued. Because you can’t change people, it’s time to change the people you’re around. Friend up. Meaning find friends who will help you do better.

You Haven’t Found Your Purpose

There’s nothing more debilitating to the mind, body and soul than an empty life. Just going through the motions in life leaves you unfulfilled. Your life lacks passion and purpose. You have yet to discover what you were placed on this planet to do. Regardless of your spiritual and religious believes, in order to find your purpose, you must go to the source; you know your creator. Only the creator can determine and instruct the purpose of the creation. Once you discover your purpose, nothing will bring you more joy. 

What a Mom Wants, What a Mom Needs

Whoever said being a mother is the most amazing thing in the world never had the pleasure of being awakened 3am in the morning by a teething baby or changing poopie diapers in your sleep. You don’t feel amazing living on three hours of sleep for months. Whoever said motherhood was a noble job has never had a teenager complain about taking out the trash after you survived 23 hours of unimaginable earth-shattering pain to bring that child into the world only for her to know more than you once she hits puberty.

Face it, motherhood aint glamorous, neat and organized. It’s the most challenging job never given to men. God entrusted the job of motherhood to women. I’m still trying to figure out why. Perhaps we got the job as mothers because we’re the ones with two boobs.  Or did we get the boobs to have the children? If only we had two balls instead. We too could have avoided motherhood. Oh well. 

So with Mother’s Day just days away, the commercials selling what advertisers think moms want are flooding our airways. There’s a KFC commercial for a bucket of family special for Mom’s Day. If you buy your mom a bucket of chicken for Mother’s Day, you need to be aborted on the spot. When you consider what mom wants, think about just that: what she wants. Think. What does a woman who decided to allow you to invade her body for nine months wants on a day that celebrates her? Ask yourself: what does the woman who had to put up with my attitude during the teen years want? When you think of a way to celebrate your mom, consider what her presence in your life means to you. Then think about what she wants. What are some things she’s had to sacrifice to make life a bit easier for you? What is the one thing that would make her heart smile? On Mother’s Day, make it really about mom. 

Moms love to feel appreciated. Though you no longer need her to feed you or change your diaper, she wants to know you remember her sacrifices, her lessons, her love for you, and then just reciprocate, not just one day a year but everyday.

Five Ways to Disengage Debbie Downer at a Party

We all have bad days, months and even years. Having someone to talk to is important in navigating life’s turbulent times. But like everything else in life, there is a time and a place for everything. A party, wedding or a festive gathering is not the place to monopolize someone’s time with your life’s drama.

I recently found myself in a peculiar predicament when I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in nearly ten years at a party. This person cornered me and began to replay the last ten years’ divorce, hardships and how he’d been wronged by everyone in their life and the pet that ran away. Anyone who knows me know that I love people and am always ready to encourage and advise, but even I draw the line when you try to stand between me, a shrimp quesadilla and the dance floor.

To save you from my suffering, the following are five ways to disengage a Drama Dawn and/or Debbie Downer at a party of happy occasion.

Phone a Friend

Never go to a party alone if you can help it. Before going into the party, tell your friend that if he or she sees you being cornered, to call you on your cell. Excuse yourself from the conversation to take the call and don’t return.

Bust a Move

It’s hard to remember your troubles on the dance floor. When Sad Sally comes with her hurricane of heartaches, take her or him to the dance floor and bust a move. Between the music and your moves, there will be nothing to say.

Invite a Crowd

People with the objective to tell their business often don’t want a crowd. So when Tired Terry starts with the story of her most recent tumultous breakup, call others over. “Hey, you guys gotta hear this. Terry got some stuff to say.” With a crowd, the conversation will be short and sweet or nonexistent.

Hear no Evil

Pretend you can’t hear her. Ask her to repeat everything. Even annoying people get annoyed by themselves. After having to repeat herself numerous time, she will find another victim. But if she knows sign language, you’re in trouble.

Tell the Dang Truth

You’ve tried avoiding, hinting and nothing works. This person won’t leave you alone and wants to take you down the terrible brick road of her life. There’s nothing now left to do than tell the truth. In a compassionate way, let this person know: “Listen, I have my own issues and don’t want to add yours to mine. I’d love to hear and help, but I came to party, not listen to your endless sh*t. Text me.”