Marriage is Work People, Thanks Ben

Marriage is not for the lazy or the complacent. Marriage is work. Special thanks to Ben Affleck for keeping it real when it comes to marriage. The most touching moment of the Oscars was the Argo director’s heartfelt show of gratitude to his wife, Jennifer Garner. “I want to thank you for working on marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with.”

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Many people have criticized Ben’s speech, hinting there may be some underlying issues in his marriage. I can assure you those folks are either not married or don’t understand marriage. Marriage is work. It’s not easy. There are times you want to quit, give up, leave. If you’ve been with your spouse more than three years and you’ve never had to work on your marriage, it’s time to gauge the temperature of your commitment. It may be colder than you think.

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Unlike countless romantic comedies, in real life, it doesn’t end with a kiss or a big wedding. After the kiss and the cutting of the cake, real life happens when the work of marriage begins. You don’t run into the sunset. You run into bills, kids, communication and validation issues, arguments, disagreements and disappointments. How you handle those  are the work of marriage. In a world where most quit, those who stay reap the rewards of working on their marriage. Those who leave to find greener lazier pastures, only go to find you can’t avoid the work of marriage in their next relationship. 

In the made up world of Hollywood, a man kept it real and exposed the hard truth about marriage. It’s work, but it’s the best kind of work. Thanks Ben.

Five Believable Backstories to Explain the Current State of Your Life

1. “Found out my parents aren’t who I thought they were.”

This explains your bipolar and other mental health break down issues, and why nothing you do wrong is ever your fault.

2. “My identity was stolen in middle school.”

This explains the poor SAT scores in high school, the awful college you had to attend, and horrible job you’re being made to work.

3. “I had a bad breakup.”

This explains your sub-par credit scores and deficient bank account.

4. “I’ve been traveling the Swiss Alps and backpacking across Europe.”

This explains you being missing in action due to a nine-month stint in rehab.

5. “No one really knows, but I have a twin.”

This explains your completely new hair do, name change and post breakup makeover. It wasn’t you. It was the other one who looks like you.

Five Misconceptions About Parenting

1. All Kids are a Blessing

All kids are a gift, but not all kids are a blessing. If your kid is 40 and still living at home playing XBox while trying to find himself, he’s clearly not a blessing. 

2. You’ll Like Your Kids All the Time

You’ll love your kids all the time, but you won’t like your kids all the time. Who likes folks who eat everything and buy nothing, cleans nothing; takes seven hours to load the dishwasher because they have important Facebook statuses to update and have an answer to your non-questions? Exactly.

3. All kids are cute

All kids are not cute because some kids look like their parents. As long as they’re ugly parents, there will always be uncute kids.

4. Kids Just Need Love

Kids need love, lunch money, car money, mall money and a whole lotta money to keep up with technology peer pressure.

5. Kids Need a Mom and a Dad

Kids need two parents, three therapists, four referees, five grandparents with valid drivers licenses, and a partridge in a pear tree. It takes a village to raise, babysit, and feed a child.

Five Reasons You’re Not the Right Girl If You Keep Falling for the Wrong Guy

1. You have 50 pairs of shoes and zero self respect.

You’re up on the latest styles and trends, but you fail to realize material possessions shouldn’t define you. You do whatever it takes to have things but refuse to see that things already have you and that you’re a slave to all the things that don’t matter. Your whole sense of self is rooted in who you’re wearing and not who you are. It’s okay to have nice things, but it’s not okay for nice things to have you. Your identity shouldn’t be rooted in fleeting fads. It should be firmly grounded in values that are timeless; values that never go out of style.

2. You think a man’s job is to complete the incomplete you.

You jump from one relationship to the next because you can’t stand being alone. But somehow you think he’ll enjoy being with you when you clearly can’t stand being with you. You think a man’s job is to make you whole. His job, you believe, is to fix the broken you. But what you fail to see is that you only attract who you are. So you end up meeting a lot of broken men with more issues than Kleenex has tissues. When your relationships fail, which they always do, you say all men are dogs. But if they’re all dogs and you’re attracting them, what does that say about your actions? Take some time to be good to yourself. Take time to heal and be whole, and one day, you’ll actually meet a grown man because you would’ve grown.

3. You value romance over friendship.

You’re ready to jump into bed with him because he’s hot and because he says he wants you. You’re ready to give him your heart and soul before you even realize what kind of person he is. You’ve watched too many romantic comedies and you actually believe sex comes before love. You fail to see that sex is not love and love is not sex. You’re after love but fail to see there can be no love without friendship. A man who’s just after sex isn’t a friend. The greatest thing a couple can share isn’t sex. It’s friendship.

4. You think a man’s love will replace the love you don’t have for yourself.

You’ve bought into the old lie, “You’re nobody till some body loves you.” But you fail to see that you’re already loved and that the love you have for yourself is the foundation upon which a man will build his love for you. You have to bring love if you want to receive love. A man will treat you based on how he sees you treating yourself. If you’re not good to you, neither will he. A well is the only place you can go with an empty pail and come out with water. In life and love, you have to bring love to receive love. You can’t love him if you don’t love yourself, and he’ll never love you if you can’t love yourself. 

5. You live in the past.

You pay rent to the past because that’s where you live. You’re comparing every guy you meet to your ex because he was perfect and no one can measure up. You go after guys who remind you of your ex, only to realize they’re not him. You don’t give yourself the opportunity to get to know another guy because you’re too busy making false comparisons. You’re so stuck in the past because everything great that has ever happened to you happened there. How can you enjoy a new experience when you’re busy holding on to the false utopia of the past or trying to recreate it? If you want to love again, you have to embrace hope. Hope means letting go of the past and embracing the endless possibilities of now. 

Today’s Lesson in Uncommon Love

Tonight, I was talking to a young man who I love like my own son. We were catching up on his college life, challenges and growth. I began to share with him what God had taught me this year about patience and living one day at a time. We shared lots of laughs as I got caught up on the well-being of his amazing parents and siblings.

Bout a few hours later, this hit me: When Jesus said, “…you shall be my witness…” (Acts 1:8), he wasn’t referring that we’d all become pastors and missionaries. He simply meant that when we encounter people facing life’s challenges that we share what God has done in our lives, reminding them that in trouble, he’s a present help. In sorrow, he’s a comforter. In sadness and loneliness he’s a faithful and loving companion. When we fall, he’s not there to condemn us but with mercy and grace, he picks us up.

Being a witness of Christ doesn’t mean an absence of troubles or pain. Just means we’re a source of hope, strength, and authentic encouragement. This is uncommon love.

Five Ways You’re Celebrating the Holidays All Wrong

1. You’re Drinking Too Much

This time of the year is all about enjoying festive times with family and friends. Whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah or Ramadan and despite what millions of commercials tell us, the holidays are also a holy time. This is a time of reflection. A time to enjoy those we’re blessed to have in our lives. Making every gathering a reason to get wasted is missing the heart of the holidays. So the next you hear, “Christmas party,” stop thinking “free liquor.” Ease up on the “eggnog.” Stay sober in your thoughts and actions and cherish these special but fleeting moments. It’s hard to cherish what you can’t remember. 

2. You’re Spending Too Much

You spent six hours outside of Walmart on black Friday to buy your kid another video game system but barely spend 15 minutes with your child on Monday. You’re breaking your neck and the bank to buy the most expensive gifts for families so they can praise you, but the holidays are not about outgoing each other. In the story of Christmas, the three wise men gave out of thoughtfulness and simply gave out if who they are. (There were no malls.) Giving shouldn’t turn into an Olympic sport where try to outdo each other. It’s about thinking of someone and finding something that you know will brighten their faces without dampening your credit. Remember giving starts from the heart not from the cash register.

3. You’re Stressing Too Much

You’ve agreed to plan all three office parties, cook Christmas dinner for your in-laws and take up an extra shift at work to cover the extra expenses right after you chaperone your kids classroom party. Stop it! Step away From the clipboard slowly. You’re doing too much. The holidays can be like crack to the consummate overachievers. There’s all these opportunities to work yourself nutty and you always volunteer. Then by Christmas you have a betvousr breakdown because doing everything never works out as you think. Just when you realize that clipboard isn’t a magic wand, it’s too late. You’re burnt out and

4. You’re Decorating Too Much

If the outside of your house looks like Santa’s workshop and you don’t live on the north pole, you’re definitely doing too much. It’s one thing to decorate and adorn your home. It’s completely another thing to transform it into another dimension where at night, your neighbors are completely blinded by your millions of streaming lights. We know you like the holidays but Christmas is more about letting your inward light shine. A tree in your home is nice. A tree in every room is obsessive. Enjoy decorating your home with family and friends but ending up with no lights in January because your electric bill was too high in December is not what this time of the year is all about.

5. You’re Doing Too Much

All of a sudden, you to do list has no end. Your day is filled with endless errands that are eating up your mind space. You’re never in the moment with everyone else because you’re always preoccupied with the next thing on your list. Your Christmas list grows every time you run into someone. You’re not Santa; so stop trying to give everyone a gift. Even he isn’t real because bring gifts to everyone in the world is not a dream. It’s a geographical, mental and financial nightmare. Ease up. Do what you can for who you can when you can without losing sight of what’s most important. Reevaluate your priorities. If focusing on the tasks of gifting leaves zero time for you and the ones you care about, you’ve somehow missed the heart of the holidays. 

Ladies, Five Things You Don’t Do on a Second Date

So the other night, I had a huge craving for pina colada but I didn’t have time to sit at a table in a restaurant. So I went to the bar and ordered a virgin pina colada. I’m not a recovering alcoholic nor I’m I knocking those who drink, but alcohol is just not my thing. So I sit at the bar and a couple sits near me. She’s late 30s, about size 16 and he’s about the same age and fit. This woman clearly was trying too hard to be everything to this man whom she was merely recently dating. They didn’t tell me but from their body language and with her over eagerness, I knew it was a recent dating-ship. This chick was all over the place. The poor guy was so overwhelmed by her, he looked as if he couldn’t wait to get home and play Halo 2.

The great thing about that night? That experience warranted this post. Ladies, the following are Five Things You Don’t Do on a Second Date, unless you’re trying to scare him away.

Don’t Talk So Much

Stop trying so hard to seal the deal. This is not a business transaction. Your 30 minutes diatribe about your knowledge of European history ain’t gonna make him marry you. Relax. Let the atmosphere breathe. Let the natural rhythm of the night carry the two of you. This is no time to be Steven Spielberg. No one wants someone directing and monopolizing every inch of the night. Calm down. 

Don’t Think Too Much

Just because he asked you on a second or even a third date, doesn’t mean it’s time to start picking out China patterns. Stop making his every word or gesture mean more than it does. Let the moment and the process breathe. Because he says he had a lovely time, doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. Stop over-thinking and overacting to his politeness and courtesy. Calm down.

Don’t Drink Too Much

So you saw in that movie how when the chick drank, she loosen up and appeared sexy. Then she woke up in bed with the guy, and he said how great she was in bed. That was a movie. In real live, nothing good ever comes from drinking too much on a date. You not only lose control of your mental faculties, you also pass gas without even realizing it. Yeah, they didn’t include that in the movie. Let him get to know the real you. Becoming a blubbering drunk doesn’t make you exotic. It makes you look desperate and insecure, lacking the confidence in your natural personalty. Plus, becoming a drunk is just not a good look.

Don’t Do Too Much

Cooking a seven course meal at your house, buying him a new suit for the date, calling his assistant to cancel his appointments for the rest of the day so the two of you can go hiking? Yeah, you’re doing too much. Please stop yourself. Let this man get to know you in your natural habitat, environment and your real life. Stop trying to be his mom, sister, boss and designated thinker. Relax. Let the natural process of this play itself out. Stop doing too much. He will either like you for you or not like you for you. Either way, he’ll be loving or rejecting the real you. Oh and stop laughing at every joke he makes. Even he knows he’s not that funny.

Don’t Give Too Much

We’ve all seen in the movies, how the girl drops the draws on the first or second date and ends up with the guy. But before you decide to drop it like it’s hot or give him the keys to your place, slow it down. This man ain’t going no where. No need to rush. Stop creating a relationship in one night. Don’t give him your house keys or the password to your phone. That’s not hot. That’s thirsty. As Lauryn Hill eloquently said, “Don’t be a hard rock when you truly are a gem.” If you want him to treasure you, you have to first treasure yourself, and please calm down.

Five Things Women Really Want for Valentines Day (but won’t admit it)

1. Keep the damn chocolate; she wants diamonds.  Gentlemen, your lady didn’t make a resolution to lose weight on January first to overdose on chocolate one month later. She really doesn’t want or need the million calories. Give her diamonds. They’re nonfattening.

2. She loves being with you, but she’d really like a weekend trip with her girls. She spends an endless amount time either with you or thinking about you. For Valentines Day, she’d like the gift of a getaway. Time away with her girls will help her revived, rejuvenate and miss you. An investment in her relaxation is an investment in your relationship.

3. She liked that red dress that didn’t fit last year, but a gift card to Nordstrom’s is more romantic. She loves you but the last thing she needs in this economy is one overpriced dress. She’d rather have other overpriced items.

4. Forget flowers, she’d rather have a cleaning lady. Flowers die but a cleaning lady makes life more livable.

5. Skip the inflated fancy dinner date, she’d rather have a house filled with food. Instead of filling her up for one night with a $70 steak, she’d much rather have a house filled with groceries she can enjoy for the entire month of February. Now that’s love.

From the Heart - Day Eleven 2012 - Do Not Pull Lever

The funny thing about emotions, they’re like roller-coasters. Once you release them, once you pull that lever, there’s no going back. They have to run their course till they settle back at the beginning, where they wait to be pulled, released. So what happens when that lever is pulled? Who’s most at fault? The one who pulls the lever or the one who takes the ride?

Pain has a funny way of saying hello. It’s never a pleasant greeting. Each one of us should carry a sign that reads, “Do not pull lever.” Once that lever is pulled, like a fire alarm lever, it activates a loud noise and sprinklers gush out water everywhere. Like an angry response to someone, once that lever is pulled, both individuals and those in their proximity are impacted. 

What is it about certain people who just do not bring out the best in us? What do you do when those people are in your family? Does a blood connection give someone the right to hurt you? Or could the problem be our inability to resist internalizing the words and actions of others. If hurt people hurt people, how do you stop hurt people from hurting you?

The Bible says, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” Those are wise words we all forget when that lever is pulled and we’re zapping around in that roller-coaster. Matter of fact, I was ready to share those very words with someone before my lever was pulled. The irony.

From the Heart - Day Four 2012 - Realizing The Real Villain

It’s amazing that you can live 37 years and still learning yourself. When we’re younger, we believe everyone else is the problem. When we become adult, we think if we had the right mate, the perfect spouse or lived in the right neighborhood, our lives would be perfect. As we get older, we think if we had enough money, we’d be content. We’re always looking outside of ourselves to identify problems, discontentment, never realizing that we may be the one in our own way. Today’s realization? The real villain to my purpose is my own will.

Last year was filled with anxiety, worries and self-imposed failures because I tried to be a god in my own life. Like a three year-old sitting still for 20 minutes, I became a bit antsy. In my defense, I had so much going on but instead of giving the problems to God and leaving them with Him, I carried them, and they weighed on me. I felt isolated, alone, always anticipating the other shoe to drop. I wanted my will, my timing and my way. Tuning out the One who loves me and planned my life before the beginning of time, I tried within my own strength and wisdom to make things happen. When I couldn’t, I shut down. Yes, I was functioning but my soul was restless.

Facing the root of my struggles from 2011, I’ve discovered the real villain to my purpose wasn’t the deals that fell through, the problems with the children, the financial setbacks or the periodic marital frustrations. The real villain to my purpose, victory and success was my insistent on following my own will and doing it my own way. When we choose our own will, we’re telling God we won’t obey Him, and we won’t trust Him. That’s just a breeding ground for exactly what I experienced: restlessness. Thank God for mercy.