Five Ways to Know You Need Some New Friends

You’ve been friends since middle and high school. Perhaps you met in college or the welfare line and you just click. Either way, your friendship has grown stale and passed its expiration date. The following are five ways to know you really need some new friends.

1. Your Friends Keep Asking to Borrow Money

You’re still waiting on the cash they borrowed three years ago, and here they come with their hands out to borrow more. There’s nothing wrong with helping a friend out once or twice but when they’ve borrowed so much money that you can claim them as dependents on your taxes, it’s time to kick your freeloading friends to the curb. If your name isn’t TD or Wells Fargo, I advise you find new friends who don’t mistake you for an ATM.

2. Just When You Think You’ve Heard All Their Life’s Problems, They Get New Ones

To them, you’re Dr. Phil, Oprah or a pastor. Every outing turns into a trip into their jacked-up choices. You know, the ones you advised them against but they did it anyway. Now you can’t go on with your life because they’re trying to trap you in the Twilight Zone that is their life. Drop them in front of a church, synagogue, mosque and run! They don’t need a friend. They need an exorcist and some divine intervention.

3. They Don’t Get the Concept of Boundaries 

They wear your new shoes before you can wear them. Every outfit you buy, they turn around and buy the same outfit. WTH! They send your mother flowers on Mother’s Day in February, making you look bad. They don’t know where their lives stop and yours begin. They think the two of you are one and what’s yours is theirs. It’s time to put some space between you and them. That way, you can go and they can grow and develop their own identity.

4. They Keep Dating All Your Exes

“You don’t mind if I go out with him, do you?” No. But all of your exes, though? To her you’re eHarmony. All her boyfriends are your exes. It’s time to end this friendship so she go out and meet her own man.

5. When They Breathe, They Lie

They lie as easily as they breathe. Face it. Lennay Kekau is more real than your friends. They lie about what they have, where they’re been and how they are. Time to let them go. You can’t have real relationships with fake friends. 

Five Things Folks Go On and On About that No One Gives Two Hot Pennies About

Words are precious but most people waste words, talking repeatedly about things no one wants to hear. The following are five things you may be going on and on about that is driving those around you internally crazy. If you’re not invited to a barbecue this summer, it’s probably because you can’t shut up about the following:

How Cute Your Baby Is

Your baby is a cutie but no one really cares quite like you do. They’re tired of the constant barrage of pictures and endless commentaries about your baby’s genius trait just because he can pass gas and smile. To everyone else, your baby is just a bald little bubble.

How Much You Hate Your Job

Will you just quit already! Your friends are really tired of hearing you complain about your boss, especially your friend who hasn’t been able to find full time work since George Dubya left office and took America’s disposal income with him. Shut up about your job woes. At least you’re getting paid to be miserable. Your friends have to listen to your sh*t without payment.

How Unhappy You Are With Your Boyfriend

Break up with him already so your friends don’t have to hear about how he’s the second coming of satan. You hate everything about him, but he consumes your thoughts and everyone else’s mental space. Please break up or shut up about him before your friends break up with you.

How Broke You Are

Your broke is me soliloquy is growing tired. Your broke cries are always followed by a request for a loan you know you aren’t going to repay and a shopping trip for new unnecessary and overpriced footwear. Stop crying broke when your car is new and your wine us old. Somewhere someone who’s really broke is praying to have your problems.

How Fat You’re Getting

Stop counting the calories in everyone else’s food, snacks and butter pecan ice cream. Just because you’re starving yourself doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t eat what we want. Your size ten friends are tire of hearing your skinny size two ass complain about how fat you’re getting. Have a McRib and shut up!

Five Reasons You’re Unhappy

We all have bad days, days where nothing goes right and days when those we love just do us wrong. But if you or someone you know suffers from chronic unhappiness, don’t be so quick to reach for that anti-depressant. Many of life’s problems aren’t a medical condition. So before you try to find happiness in a prescription, check out the following reasons you may be unhappy.

You’re Being Someone You’re Not

Nothing kills your soul faster than being an imitation. While you’re pretending to be someone else, your real self is dying. Your sadness, unhappiness is an outward symptom of your inner struggle. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. Find and work on the real you. You’ll be amazed how happy the real you will be to see you.

You’re Comparing Yourself to Others

Face it. When you compare yourself to others, you will always come up short because the comparison never ends. There will always be someone more rich, more tall, more smart even more beautiful. As long as you spend your time chasing comparisons, you will never stop to see the real gem in you. Plus comparing yourself to others breeds a rat race that you will never win. 

You’re trying to Find Happiness in Stuff

If money bought happiness, we’d all be robbing banks. Stop looking to feel good about yourself based on your material possessions. Despite popular beliefs, more money will not make you happy. More money will just shine a brighter light on what’s making you unhappy. Money is a tool not a god. Use money as a tool to get the things you need to function in life. Don’t make money your life. 

You’re Surrounding Yourself With the Wrong People

Your so-call friends may be bringing you down. You’re unhappy because you’ve surrounded yourself with takers not givers. They add no value to your life. Their energy is draining you. Time with them leaves you emotionally exhausted and undervalued. Because you can’t change people, it’s time to change the people you’re around. Friend up. Meaning find friends who will help you do better.

You Haven’t Found Your Purpose

There’s nothing more debilitating to the mind, body and soul than an empty life. Just going through the motions in life leaves you unfulfilled. Your life lacks passion and purpose. You have yet to discover what you were placed on this planet to do. Regardless of your spiritual and religious believes, in order to find your purpose, you must go to the source; you know your creator. Only the creator can determine and instruct the purpose of the creation. Once you discover your purpose, nothing will bring you more joy. 

Five Ways to Disengage Debbie Downer at a Party

We all have bad days, months and even years. Having someone to talk to is important in navigating life’s turbulent times. But like everything else in life, there is a time and a place for everything. A party, wedding or a festive gathering is not the place to monopolize someone’s time with your life’s drama.

I recently found myself in a peculiar predicament when I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in nearly ten years at a party. This person cornered me and began to replay the last ten years’ divorce, hardships and how he’d been wronged by everyone in their life and the pet that ran away. Anyone who knows me know that I love people and am always ready to encourage and advise, but even I draw the line when you try to stand between me, a shrimp quesadilla and the dance floor.

To save you from my suffering, the following are five ways to disengage a Drama Dawn and/or Debbie Downer at a party of happy occasion.

Phone a Friend

Never go to a party alone if you can help it. Before going into the party, tell your friend that if he or she sees you being cornered, to call you on your cell. Excuse yourself from the conversation to take the call and don’t return.

Bust a Move

It’s hard to remember your troubles on the dance floor. When Sad Sally comes with her hurricane of heartaches, take her or him to the dance floor and bust a move. Between the music and your moves, there will be nothing to say.

Invite a Crowd

People with the objective to tell their business often don’t want a crowd. So when Tired Terry starts with the story of her most recent tumultous breakup, call others over. “Hey, you guys gotta hear this. Terry got some stuff to say.” With a crowd, the conversation will be short and sweet or nonexistent.

Hear no Evil

Pretend you can’t hear her. Ask her to repeat everything. Even annoying people get annoyed by themselves. After having to repeat herself numerous time, she will find another victim. But if she knows sign language, you’re in trouble.

Tell the Dang Truth

You’ve tried avoiding, hinting and nothing works. This person won’t leave you alone and wants to take you down the terrible brick road of her life. There’s nothing now left to do than tell the truth. In a compassionate way, let this person know: “Listen, I have my own issues and don’t want to add yours to mine. I’d love to hear and help, but I came to party, not listen to your endless sh*t. Text me.”

Friends Without Benefits

It’s Christmas time and there are a lot of you out there buying your friends and family gifts not out of mere love, but you’re hoping to get something back from them. You may say, “That is so presumptious and unfair to say!” Really? Well how do feel when you do not get a gift in return? Your response always displays your motives. Everyone wants friendships with benefits. 

I don’t do obligatory friendships. They’re like a sorority or fraternity you never signed up for. I like to give outta the heart not outta requirement. If you give me something, I’ll say thank you but don’t expect a card in mail. Just not my thing; plus I hate going to the post office. Don’t leave me voicemails. I will only listen to them when I’m clearing my messages. 

I’ve never allowed myself to get too close to people because often they expect way too much. “I called you. You didn’t call me back. I sent you a gift you didn’t call and gush for hours about it.” It’s just too much for me. I’m in one committed relationship on earth, that’s with the man I married. Anything else is a bit too restrictive for me. I have one great friend from high school. He’s awesome! We can go a whole year without communicating and have a great time at lunch. No strings. No “why haven’t you called me all year.”

I have wonderful women acquaintances and friends whom I enjoy. We laugh for hours. I don’t get upset if they don’t invite me to a party or event. I get annoyed only when they make ridiculous excuses like, “I thought you were busy.” What? Just say, “We really didn’t want to invite you.” I always respect honesty. There are times when I don’t feel like seeing them as well; so I can totally relate.  

I don’t have BFFs. Too restrictive. I like who I like. I’m pretty unfiltered so I can’t be around everyone, and everyone doesn’t get me. I don’t like when one friend tries to push her friend on me. If you like her that’s great. She may be annoying the hair on my big toe. I just like to flow. Enough with the ulterior motives or benefits requirements. Enjoy folks in the moment for who they are and how they make you feel, not for what they can give you or how well they follow your rules. Plus, no one has time to remember your rules anyway.